Paris is inspiring!

I have to admit, PARIS is inspiring...for me anyways...

Today the weather was good, 'nuageux' as usual, slightly temperamental, but 'nice nuageux'...I guess it is like when eskimos have many words for different types of snow...there's nicer nuageux and horrible nuageux...hard to explain, I CAN, but another day... I want to dissect the fact that I am an 'artistic' bohemian, a free-spirit 'type' of person in LA, but here...i dunno...

It's strange, cuz in america, you grow up asking why? WHY? WHY??? "it's not fair" if you make a good arguement you can always be understood as long as you make a good philosophical case with some proof as evidence to support your point...you can make a whole life philosophy around it and really live your life this way...but it also makes you a little bit of a lawyer too...FOR ME..the difficulty arises from toooooo many frigging options, but it's okay, as long as you can carve out a way for you, and are respectful and not being difficult to others...because nothing is better or worse and it's alllll the same in the end...OH that's an opinion that I have been commiting to lately...I guess that is a personal opinion/philosophy that I never knew was something I have to commit to! hmmmm....THERE are benefits and drawbacks in any way of thinking, that's for sure...but self rehab allows for 'self-philosophy'...no better time to share then a 'nice nuageux' day during a short vacation break in PARIS.

I have never reallllly felt like a complete 'foreigner' until my existence here...it's true...it's nice though (since it is a nice day) because I have to make hard decisions to find what my 'self' opinions are. I am lucky to be a student and guest of Paris. In america this is very difficult because everyone has a right to their own opionions, so it is hard to commit to any opinions, especially for me, hedging my options had been a 'philosophy'...but I was lucky to have such a wide range of 'options' but now I have to 'commit' to some ideas to find out what makes me tick? That's my personal homework...here...

It's strange...There is no 'real' objective value to anything I am good at...because I can't segway that into a strong 'career' to prove my 'talents'. Tooooo many objective options to consider, too much pressure, not one direction...I studied whatever was of personal interest, and most importantly, was provided tools or can creat the route to make sure I could become a wonderful 'professional' in whatever 'field' of my choosing, a mile wide, and and inch deep...what I NEED is to be an inch wide and a mile deep...that's all I am lacking...NEEDS...which makes me a capitalist pig, but I always thought I was a bleeding heart liberal, strange... It's wonderful though, all the things I enjoy, there is inspiration to express very well. Being alone in Paris as asetting makes me feel like an eager student again...when I am in a good mood...learning and exploring is exciting again, makes me feel ambitious and encouraged...it is just the moodiness that gets in the way, but I suppose that is the price of poker? I CAN'T commit to any one of my 'hobbies' but thank goodness I have soooo many hobbies that can be enjoyed in Paris...Language, culture, history, philosopy, art, music, fashion, food, school...C'est la vie!!!

BUT Since I DON'T HAVE needs, it was always chalked up to a lack of "passion". ALL the things that I enjoyed, I consider 'hobbies' because SINCE I AM AN EXPERT in these fields, I can HONESTLY SAY that one needs to be PASSIONATE to pursue ANY of the fields I ENJOY as hobbies...OR it can't be a career, and besides, that would be terribly hypocritical. THIS is something I KNOW CONFIDENTLY (now) as an expert of the right brain that translates things into left brained logical rationality of a goal oriented asshole, because EVERYONE I know is left brained and I have always 'comformed' too...in my own way...but I am very lucky...like a korean saying my mother tells me all the time...sometimes some people have to BUY hardships in life (to live), which is crazy, but it has been a good investment so far...and when you have to buy it is is very expensive....

ANYWAYS...in paris, there is too much stimulation for my right brain to make me very motivated without allllll the left brained distractions...which makes me, by default, a left brained over achieving ASSHOLE too...Confused??? I know....it confuses me too...I can explain more later....but I feel that my self reflecting is getting dull for the moment and losing it's point...since it's vacation and I only have time to ponder...I guess after school starts I can describe more interesting things with better examples to illustrate points? NOTE TO SELF: perhaps moodiness without objective content never translates well...but I gotta get it out before sunday rolls around!