Things I STILL HAVEN'T DONE...

during fashion week...

When sarah was in town from Hong Kong.

Plans, they sure are such a PAIN IN THE ARSE....geez... I am done with planning for now, and the 'future'. I can't stand planning, but it seems I am so good at it...what to do??? what a 'situation inextricable' well folks, my time is running short in good old Europe.
It was my good amie Amy's Bday...she helped me move here to Paris last year, and we also came together to Paris when we were in university, I would say it was THE best trip of our lives, and between us two, we pretty much traversed the entire fucking planet multiple times over. We always say 'ahhhh, remember that fantastic trip to GAY PAR-EE???' we celebrated Amy's birthday here sooooooo many MANY years ago, on that trip, AGES AND AGES ago..when it was the french francs...ah, but never mind that, timing is everything, and reminisicing makes me feel realllly old which makes me feel realllllly WORN-OUT and I need my energy...
Look, I am not exactly sappy or an affectionate person, and that would be an understatment, but I do get sentimental....a LOT... I remember when we were here, we were sooooo happy, we came to visit our dear friend Gentry, who was studying at the Sorbonne for a year. Life was never the same after that year, the end of youth. Gentry got cancer, I slowly became depressed and neurotic, everyone started becoming alcoholics, or medicated, or both...and then life started to move fast and work work work work work, working together, working alone, insuring, always for the future...C'est LA VIE, and the future came...and LA vie became not worth living...even wheneverything turned out according to plans.

I am lucky to have such a wonderful life, wonderful memories, wonderful friends and loving family, and people that support me with all my 'fanciful notions'. I feel like the luckiest woman alive, only because I realize how lucky I am. I am sad to leave because I have been happy here, lonely and poor,NO, not even 'happy' (that would be the overstatement of the year) but VERY VERY content...mental fucking vacation, but I don't have my childhood friends, I don't have my family. I came here a year ago, thinking I didn't have anyone. less then 40 people in my little black book...ALL basically my family and my childhood friends, people that I had taken for granted for a long time and had taken me for granted for a long time also. I am so glad for the (very few) new friends I have made here (I can't almost bear to leave them now too!) in Europe... From a massive email list of 0ver 700 people, my 'new' email list was less then 40 when I moved. I really don't think L.A. suits me...BUT that is where I am loved unconditionally, anyways by my wonderful 40 people that accept that I am looney and lovable anyways. that's enough, and more than enough for anybody...and plus I am a grown-ass 30 yr old woman and not a young girl anymore. I BELIEVE it now. after a hard days work, I have no 'pep'. I am not as fast and quick and cheery as I used to be, c'est comme ca...I think I need a physical vacation from my mental vacation. Hawaii...Tahiti...Oh la la...I use to HATE tropical places and do-nothing-vacations....I GUESS I am getting OLD...hehe....
SO THE list of touristy shit I THOUGHT I WOULD do here but didn't get around to and could of easily done...BUT DIDNT:
1 visit allll the wine regions and buy a bunch-o-wine
2 CHAMPAGNE region and GET LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS of it.
3 deauville, to see the beach
4 provence, in the summer
5 french alps, skiing
6 Berlin, I realllllly wanted to rent a porsche GTS or something, for the autobahn.
I shoulda done all these things, not so difficult, really, but it IS...I SWEAR!!! I guess I can instead 'look forward' to doing them at a future date at some point?

SO... When a get back, look forward to my annual blog address change, email address change and different social network change requests...sorry...gotta stop, running out of aliases!!!

IN "PLEIN FORME"...

GAWD...it's been SOOOOO long, sorry...I am a little rusty over here with writing or as a matter of fact I stopped thinking. I am officially an automaton! NO I am not joking here. I have no thoughts any longer...HELP!
This is how it goes, to be a functioning member of society here in Paris, one has to be in "plein forme" or full form...just being elegantly responsive to the tasks at hand. People say..oh you are in plein forme, which would be a complement...WELL dear readers, you know what kind of exchange you have to do in this litttle faustian deal??? to be in tip top physical capabilities in exchange for one's ability to think or philosophize (and being a clumsy buffon)...NO REALLY it's totally true. I didn't even KNOW or think that pondering thoughts even WERE a hobby to begin with!!! IN PARIS FOLKS it TRUELY is! LET ME EXPLAIN...as usual...
You have no idea how hard it is to write and think right now so please bear with this poor atrophied brain of mine...I am trying to exercise...
HMMM...nope my brain has lost allllll it's metaphor skills, I SIMPLY cannot even relate it to all of you today...it makes me sad...and I WANNA FREAK OUT...I have lost touch....and REALLLLLLY lost my sense of humor....OMFFFFFG and my amazing metaphor skills. WHAT TO DO???
I DONT even care...tooooooooo tired.....enjoy my sorry photos...from nov and dec....OMFFFFG I don't even draw or take photos anymore either.....

I KNOW, it's been a LOOOOONG time~!

DEAR READERS,

Sorry about the LOOOONG break from my blog. Okay, two reasons. I have had many freeking vistors for the month of October and November, and plus I was 'losing' my audience...meaning I write and write to explain more than I should have to to 'stay in touch' persay. ANYHOOOO...WOW soooo much to write about where should I start???
It seems before my visitors 'kept me in check', I was dangerously close to 'turning french'. MEANING in simple english I was too serious.
AH...'serious'...all relative. I have adapted to life here in good ol' france by being a micro manager to the 10th degree. My OCD is fully cured, or maybe just fully functioning with many outlets due to it's usage for a freakish level of 'self management' which is practically unrelateable. Les francais translate someone 'smart' as someone who is 'clever'. Being 'clever' is actually pretty offensive if you consider that clever means being quick on your feet and responsive, not actual 'intelligence'...ANYWAYS, being clever is valued in la cusine because you have to 'not think' and just learn through muscle memory and quick reaction and response under stress and pressure.
The whole basis of the education I am recieving is a derivative of some sort of accelerated apprenticeship...old school style.

consider this, the french motto: "liberte, egalite, fraternite." in an old world socialist country, these three words in a combination mean something totally different then the equivalent phrase in American english. liberty from monarchy, equality via socialism and 'fraternity'. Fraternity... meaning 'brotherhood'. I am guessing the still strong unions and the mentality there of have a lot to do with a tradition and history of guilds by craftsmen. It is not equality through "equal rights' and freedom from 'old world' social caste systems which would be the basis for "equal rights" and "freedom" in the american mottos.

In america, the entrepreneural spirit is what greases the motion of the people. People are ambitious for the future, think and plan ahead. Mentally creative and satisfying but physically totally 'out of sorts'. Successful Americans can gauge and metally push and go into overdrive, and are experts in procrastination and binging to 'get things' done. Example? Sleep deprevation then binge sleeping on weekends. All real physical discomforts have been virtually taken of by cheap modern methods...

Like Einstein says, time is truely relative...my perception of time here has totally changed. In America, time is like a little slot, you can sense it. it is the most dependable abstract concept, totally solid in its presence. it is compartmentalizable, almost tangible. one BLOCK of time, one hour...etc. You can gauge it, measure it and even exploit it measure increments of mental output, like a metranome and a piano. THEN also strange is that you have time for 'hobbies'...to experiment with yourself, make time to get to know you...which makes it a 3rd pt perspective research on yourself. When time is solid, personal comforts are not an issue, there is a lot of time for entertainment and hobbies. FOOD is a hobby, mental and physical health is a hobby...it does not seem like it BUT IT IS!...I see now that Americans are always smiling in Paris, they are the happiest people...I have stopped smiling and laughing since I have been living here but I whatever I have traded for 'being an expert on fun', I have gained by learning to be an expert on 'pleasure' and knowing that great things cannot be rushed, anything good takes time.

Quirky-ass shit

COLD cold cold...full moon 9/14 walking to and from the pub in Rive Gauche, sunset and the full moon!

LET me talk about some quirky and idiosyncratic oddities I have experienced in Paris...now that I am acclimated and feel comfortable here...but the drawback of that is that I am on a slippery slope to taking myself tooooooo seriously so I should share with the 'outside' world...

If I let myself get tooooo comfortable here, I wont be able to relate to the 'outside' world, so I would like to explain...to relate my experience as to not get 'out of touch'...

After last semester, many people have left paris for various reasons and went back to their own lives in the rest of the world...and my new but GOOD friend (because we depended on each other and laughed together) and old cuisine partner went back to her left brain achievement oriented life once again...to HONG KONG.
ANYWAYS SHE calls me a lot after she left to tell me HOW much she misses PARIS and Culinary SCHOOL....(HI SARAH...everyone misses you too!).....WE had a great time in this particular enviroment because, once again, we survived together in this foreign setting, in our own way, but did well, learned a lot, shared lots of fun memories and MOST of all we were able to laugh so much together about 'quirky-ass shit'...otherwise, LA VIE EST DUR ICI! If we were able to commiserate together and see things from a 3rd point perspective it was frigging wonderful and so fun and strange....BUT THAT BITCH LEFT ME...so I am gonna share here....COZ SARAH (#3 in 'cuisine' class...without even trying...) decided to be a BONNE ELEVE and take the route to making heaps of MONEY instead in good ol' HONG KONG...
SARAH calls me for 'news' and gossip from school, NOTHING interesting on an absolute basis but SUPER fun to talk about if you were lucky/unlucky to go thru the HARDSHIP and JOYS of CUISINE school in PARIS together and come out the other end shiny without damage. I was sharing today about the HORROR and rudeness about how a certain person HIJACKED my fucking station in the KITCHEN and HOW I DROPPED my 'new' cuisine partner's cake on the floor, while taking it out of the freezer...HARD to understand, I KNOW...IT'S JUST FOOD, and dessert at that...you had to be there....I KNOW!...ay ya YAI!!!!! I feel as though I am losing touch already!!!!
THE thing that reallllllly that REALLLLLLLY made me miss SARAH was sacrificial DUCK number#1070959 from a restaurant opened in 1890....La Tour d'argent....ALL commemorated by a serialized postcard which we recieved after a glorious meal together that cost 600 EUROS the day after our last exams! We were able to get the best table in the restaurant during sunset (I think coz we were cuisine students and one of our chefs use to be the head pastry chef at the resto)...you had to be there...I guess it was the best 'self-gift' we could have given ourselves after our first 'french exams', it was such a treat!

AH FOLKS...let me TELL you about one of the MOST famous restaurant in all of PARIS. You go there for these special socialized products serialized numbered ducks. In 'la cusine' you learn that these ducks are happily farm raised, then sufffocated and then beat around by their necks to pop alllll their viens, essencially internally bleeding the animal to get the SOFT juicy consistency...the chefs at school ALLLL claim that the DUCKS are happy and they 'like it'...huh??? If the ducks were not happy, the meat would not taste good....THAT IS WHAT I CALL SOME FRENCH LOGIC!!!!!! ANYWAYS...to justify the 300Euro per person price to have the privilege to eat there...I figure, in memory of that special duck, which would be impossible to get in any fine french establishment ANYWHERE else in the whole world...coz mashocistic ducks would have too many rights they don't need in other places....and the AOC grand cuvee wine we had...would cost 600$ if I ordered it in Las Vegas, but then again, it would also be free...hmmm...at least I have a souvenir...the wonderful control numbered postcard.... THAT IS WHAT I CALL some QUIRKY ASS SHIT!
Anyways...today I went to TAPAS with my mexican friend. I was talking about my latino familia...we are gonna have a 'tamale thanksgiving' here....except spicy spices cost a fortune..so I gotta request from my guests to bring some Mexican spices so Ms. West Coast hot latina and cuisine student #5 (in the class) can cook her tamale thanksgiving for me with her #5 skillz...coz I still don't know how to cook...NOW that's what I call some quirky ass shit...in PARIS....HAHA!!!

au sudain, C'est VACHEMENT froid!

Sarah & Me at 'Tour d'Argent' after our last class as cuisine partners! practically a self explanatory name, coz it costs a 'tour d'argent' to eat there, ha...but it was worth every cent!!! ...I probably can't take my guests there, I think they would die of boredom...but I HAVE LOTSA PLACES in mind you will loooove.
A tourist photo with the mascot guy...YES I really wore this 'crack-head snow white' get-up...AND yes people really dress up still to have dinner in Paris... it's fun to think about what I am gonna wear to a nice dinner...now that I NEVER GO SHOPPING and dry cleaning is not so convienent!
Official Graduation Photo! the Chefs think I should try the regular cuisine course...I told them, in terrible franglais "it's hard to eat things that I cook, it doesn't taste as good somehow, no passion...and anyways I will faint if I have to chop off the neck of the rabbit in basic cuisine with the lungs still properly attached and throw away the head with the eyes looking at me...quel bordel...je suis une catastrophe...toujours!"
They looked at me totally confused, they probably think I am crazy, but funny...but they said they would help me cut off the rabbit head if I tried cuisine...MAYBE I WILL try next semester...pourquoi PAS?


All of a sudden it is soooooo frigging cold...the sun is setting very fast now, and when it is night it is EXTRA extra friggin COLD... it seems it all happened exactly around 'rentree', Sept 1, when 'summer' is finally over, and the damned tourists are gone, and allllll 'the people' are back from vacation looking orange from too much sun! also apparently, it's TAX season here...strange...There is too much to get use to in Paris, I am comfortably uncomfortable...lonely and not lonely...super happily unhappy...comme d'habitude...

school started on Sept 1, and I am so happy to be back and starting intermediate Pastries. IT is MUCH more difficult,multiple complicated cakes in one 2.5 hr practique, hopefully I can do better...Everything is the same, but VERY different! Since it is a proper 'Rentree', the school is packed with new normal semester schedule students. FULL to capacity~yikes. Now I am so happy that I started mid year, less crowded, less students, more eclectic people...I think...but still I think the whole school has around maybe 100 people or so, no more than 120,not too many, thank goodness!

...SEPTEMBER...it is my goal to ESPECIALLY enjoy this moody month of transistions...and RELAX and be super indulgent in being 'une lunatique' for 3-4 weeks...before L.A. fabulous MADNESS comes to pay me a little visit in ALL OF OCTOBER and bring some sunshine and smiles for the whole month!!! I am so lucky...and SO SO HAPPY (and a little bit stressed) to see my fantastic family/friends next month!!!...CRAZY...so many people are visiting for my 'BIG 30' birthday month of October! I think this is the best 'gift' ever...to share...and make good memories...and turn 30 in Paris!!! ...all cultures value youth and beauty so it is hard to turn 30 almost anywhere, but let me say, it is especially hard to turn 30 in LA, and be asian to boot...it's a tough age for a vain girl from societies that value 'youthful beauty'...how wonderful is it to be 30 here?...gotta do some self reflecting in the meantime, BUT I CAN'T WAIT, I am the luckiest woman! see you soon Clara, Catalina, Lani, Cindy, Noah & Le Mec!!!

SOOO Chez Julee has no availability until NEXT YEAR! thank you!

Paris is inspiring!

I have to admit, PARIS is inspiring...for me anyways...

Today the weather was good, 'nuageux' as usual, slightly temperamental, but 'nice nuageux'...I guess it is like when eskimos have many words for different types of snow...there's nicer nuageux and horrible nuageux...hard to explain, I CAN, but another day... I want to dissect the fact that I am an 'artistic' bohemian, a free-spirit 'type' of person in LA, but here...i dunno...

It's strange, cuz in america, you grow up asking why? WHY? WHY??? "it's not fair" if you make a good arguement you can always be understood as long as you make a good philosophical case with some proof as evidence to support your point...you can make a whole life philosophy around it and really live your life this way...but it also makes you a little bit of a lawyer too...FOR ME..the difficulty arises from toooooo many frigging options, but it's okay, as long as you can carve out a way for you, and are respectful and not being difficult to others...because nothing is better or worse and it's alllll the same in the end...OH that's an opinion that I have been commiting to lately...I guess that is a personal opinion/philosophy that I never knew was something I have to commit to! hmmmm....THERE are benefits and drawbacks in any way of thinking, that's for sure...but self rehab allows for 'self-philosophy'...no better time to share then a 'nice nuageux' day during a short vacation break in PARIS.

I have never reallllly felt like a complete 'foreigner' until my existence here...it's true...it's nice though (since it is a nice day) because I have to make hard decisions to find what my 'self' opinions are. I am lucky to be a student and guest of Paris. In america this is very difficult because everyone has a right to their own opionions, so it is hard to commit to any opinions, especially for me, hedging my options had been a 'philosophy'...but I was lucky to have such a wide range of 'options' but now I have to 'commit' to some ideas to find out what makes me tick? That's my personal homework...here...

It's strange...There is no 'real' objective value to anything I am good at...because I can't segway that into a strong 'career' to prove my 'talents'. Tooooo many objective options to consider, too much pressure, not one direction...I studied whatever was of personal interest, and most importantly, was provided tools or can creat the route to make sure I could become a wonderful 'professional' in whatever 'field' of my choosing, a mile wide, and and inch deep...what I NEED is to be an inch wide and a mile deep...that's all I am lacking...NEEDS...which makes me a capitalist pig, but I always thought I was a bleeding heart liberal, strange... It's wonderful though, all the things I enjoy, there is inspiration to express very well. Being alone in Paris as asetting makes me feel like an eager student again...when I am in a good mood...learning and exploring is exciting again, makes me feel ambitious and encouraged...it is just the moodiness that gets in the way, but I suppose that is the price of poker? I CAN'T commit to any one of my 'hobbies' but thank goodness I have soooo many hobbies that can be enjoyed in Paris...Language, culture, history, philosopy, art, music, fashion, food, school...C'est la vie!!!

BUT Since I DON'T HAVE needs, it was always chalked up to a lack of "passion". ALL the things that I enjoyed, I consider 'hobbies' because SINCE I AM AN EXPERT in these fields, I can HONESTLY SAY that one needs to be PASSIONATE to pursue ANY of the fields I ENJOY as hobbies...OR it can't be a career, and besides, that would be terribly hypocritical. THIS is something I KNOW CONFIDENTLY (now) as an expert of the right brain that translates things into left brained logical rationality of a goal oriented asshole, because EVERYONE I know is left brained and I have always 'comformed' too...in my own way...but I am very lucky...like a korean saying my mother tells me all the time...sometimes some people have to BUY hardships in life (to live), which is crazy, but it has been a good investment so far...and when you have to buy it is is very expensive....

ANYWAYS...in paris, there is too much stimulation for my right brain to make me very motivated without allllll the left brained distractions...which makes me, by default, a left brained over achieving ASSHOLE too...Confused??? I know....it confuses me too...I can explain more later....but I feel that my self reflecting is getting dull for the moment and losing it's point...since it's vacation and I only have time to ponder...I guess after school starts I can describe more interesting things with better examples to illustrate points? NOTE TO SELF: perhaps moodiness without objective content never translates well...but I gotta get it out before sunday rolls around!

"Zen Francais"

I have coined a term that everyone seems to relate to in Paris, "zen-francais'...let me explain...since "une lunatique" (me) feels pretty good today...it was graduation day today for my basic class! It was actually a wonderful day.

Anyways, "Zen-Francais' is something that happens around the 3rd month of living in Paris. One can experience 'zen francais', on occasions, starting from the 2nd month of 'survival' though, but the acclimating to French culture and life will be a bigger issue during the 1st and 2nd months of living here...MAINLY, the singular most difficult issue for all Americans that move to Paris is slowing down their pace of life and...LEARNING to be patient and dealing with inconveniences ALONE. Allllll Americans are left brained goal oriented assholes here in Paris...EVEN ME!?!?!? I SWEAR I feel like and I am apparently an overambitious over-achieving left brained asshole TOO here somehow...INCROYABLE...ME!?!?!? A total slacker, a professional dilettante, and a horrible procrastinator!

Everyone in Paris is use to being kinda alone because everyone has to be freakishly 'self-reliant'...SO NOW I can eat ALONE for many hours and enjoy it, walk alone for many hours and enjoy it, and I am definitely not as forgetful and clumsy as I use to be...because FOR EXAMPLE...if you lock your keys inside your house, it costs 300-1000Euros to open the door??....(don't ask)....SO I took a little survey/poll (I LOVE to take little 'polls' for opinions/reactions) around my neighborhood AND APPARENTLY PARISIANS NEVER EVER lock themselves out of the house...NEVER EVER!!! Self-Reliance on the most BASIC and minute level is no JOKE here...so the hurdles of 'independence' have been a challenge to say the least, BUT I tell myself...(sometimes self-cheerleading is necessary)...I am also a realllllly quick learner and a very resourceful person, and I can recover from mistakes... It's okay to make mistakes, I say to myself...well....BUT it's not realllllly okay to make mistakes in the french culture...I THINK...from what I gather/sense...to make mistakes...I dunno though....coz I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING...Anyways.............

There are moments where I feel totally 'stoned' but I am not...I walk everywhere and the lighting changes every five minutes because most days for the weather report will have all three little symbols for the clouds, sun and rain. It will be HOT for 10 min and then rain for ten minutes. At first it is horribly uncomfortable having to carry an umbrella, sunglasses and a scarf everywhere you go. Now I enjoy the temperamental weather. If one day it is rainy, and the next day is sunny, I am in an extra extra good mood on the sunny day...BUT then again EXTRA moody on the rainy day that follows a good day. BECAUSE there is nothing TO DO. You wanna eat? Get READY to SIT for at least 2 hours...there is no POINT rushing meals...there would be nothing to do AFTERWARDS if you rush your meal, except go on a nice loooooong walk...

So....my accomplishments so far on a personal level? All my neurotic thoughts are mitigated by the fact that if I feel moody with NOTHING 'to do', all my 'issues' will be a bitch from hell to deal with, so I try to minimize potential terrible future Sundays of depression sessions by being 'zen' in Paris...it's been working.

Since everyone learns to 'slow down' to enjoy each moment over the last three months, by the graduation time, it seems to me that the students were able to 'enjoy' even the 'duller' moments of the ceremony. It was really nice...not one cell phone rang, everyone showed up... there was no fidgeting, no shuffling around, every one was pleasant and polite, enjoyed their accomplishments, enjoyed their time....even AND ESPECIALLY ALL the over achieving north Americans (whom all did pretty well)!!! What a wonderful day, graduation really was twofolds...enjoying small pleasures like having one week off, little bit of free time, not having to take the metro...ZEN FRANCAIS INDEED!