TEXT BELOW THE PHOTOS...
GAWD...soooo now I will share with the 'outside' world on my 'mental progress' here in self-rehab, PARIS...because I am TIRED...finally...of EVERYTHING...PEOPLE HAVE NO IDEA!!!Ok OKAY...I am TRYING to tell myself I am DOING OKAY...acclimating is hard...and especially Paris...a hard place to adjust to, but worth it...BUT still, no one really tells you anything...people are very discreet and all, and everyone is pretty efficient for themselves, but WARNING to those that can't be self reliant and figure things out on their own...because NO one will help you if you cannot help yourself...for the MOST part anyways, I've been very lucky, people have been kind to me...GREAT for personal growth...BUT DAYAM...it's MENTAL BLUE BALL CENTRAL OVER HERE lots of times! ...sundays....eeeeek!
Sundays in Paris ARE a nightmare, no no...lets say...for an AMERICAN or any foreigner living in paris...it's just VERY hard to get use to... maybe I will never get use to 'sundays' here....crazy with dread every time sunday rolls around in Paris. MAIS C'est comme ca (that is just the way 'things' are). Everything is closed, you cannot even buy ciggies on SUNDAYS...basically, I am alone, with my thoughts, and if it is raining like it is today, it is an extraordinarily HORRIBLY miserably lonely day if you let it get to you! ON top of that, maybe half of all the stores and restaurants are CLOSED for the whold month of August ALSO....
I think I am ready to 'share' because so far, overall, it has been very fulfilling and wonderful to be in Paris. I am equally happy and miserable, BUT...I tell myself that I am so so SO lucky to be here, doing what I am doing, I just want to appreciate everything and don't let the difficult parts make me lose 'perspective'...because rain makes people moody...
It seems that I am doing a good job overall, but somehow it is hard to keep things in perspective and keep my smile on my face sometimes. Self reflection is fantastic, but sometimes it is easy to let it spin out of control...especially on SUNDAYS....paris can be a very lonely place sometimes, half of the time you enjoy the alone time, the other half of the time is terrifying. For the last three months, the challanges of adjusting has kept my mind occuppied, and WOW there is still a lot ot LEARN...but it's okay, I love to observe and learn...it's just hard sometimes when I have no 'guide-books' to follow...but I try to use the tools I have and try my best...sometimes it's not good enough, other times it's just simply difficult to grasp...I only have what I know to grapple through it somehow, and when it works out, it is the MOST wonderful feeling, BUT when it doesn't work out, it is so confusing...I FEEL like a fish gasping for 'air' because it is out of 'water' (ironic???)...c'est la vie'...
So... I finally finished my FIRST semester in culinary school. Hospitality is a serious 'calling' here in France. It was the most stressful 'situation' I personally have ever been in...and also most REWARDING also, only because I 'survived' and came out the other end. There are no second chances, no excuses. THERE is no options or special exceptions...the intensity was INCREDIBLE...and my school is the 'club med' of hospitality schools in Paris because it is a private school, so I feel REALLY thankful for that also...I am lucky enough to recieve a 'french' culinary education, with all the good parts...and less of the 'difficult' parts. I REALLY cannot imagine the pressure of a regular (not private) french hospitality institution, I hear it is worse than the army! I KNOW it must PALE in comparison!!! When I talk to some of my new french friends about their hospitality school experience, there is a shudder of dread as well as an intense wave of nostalgia, tous les deux...The hospitality/culinary industry of France is respected all over the world, and NOW it is my personal opinion that THEY deserve much more respect...REALLLLLLLY!!!!!!! The discipline and education I am receiving here is SO amazing!
Actually, it is ALSO SO stressful, it's like walking on a 'tightrope of stress'...if someone makes you 'crack' you are gonna lose it and if you are too stressed in your own mind, you can unravel that way too. If someone lets you complain too much, it makes you unravel and unfocused. If you just let the stress get to you it makes you equally crazy and nervous. There in lies the mental craziness of chefs...I think...I am just sharing what I can observe and analyze thus far...BUT I don't know anything!!!
FOR EXAMPLE...I have NEVER cut or burned myself for the WHOLE 10 weeks of the semester, during one of the last stressful days in the kitchen, one moment of fatigue...*SLICE* my VERY first CUT, didn't look too bad, but I have some fancy ass KNIVES... OF course it was JUST when I was just SO RELIEVED that the day was almost finally FUCKING done...THEN in my mind I started to FUCKING flip out slow slow slowly when I saw the BLOOD drip drip dripping...In my head my anxiety started: "WTF!!!!! WTF!!!!!...I have my FUCKING EXAM....HOW DA FUCK DID I CUT MY FUCKING FINGER...NOW?? WTF!!!".....then the anger and suppressed stress starts to RISE with fury, starting to UNRAVEL...and then it's like I HAVE TO keep suppressing, because YOU...CAN'T....LOSE....CONTROL....SO...CLOSE...TO....THE.....FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING COOKING EXAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OF course...when I was about to flip out and have a silent little panic attack (alone), a cuisine chef HAPPENS to walk by the first aid kit where I was spraying my antibiotic spray on my BLOODY finger...he pauses to 'observe' and asks "CA VA?" ("everything fine?"...it's always said in a half serious, half teasing manner), AND you always ALWAYS HAVE TO HAVE TO answer...."OUI, CHEF!"....ARGH...CRAZY....then I went home and couldn't sleep from the stress...THEN I woke up really early and did REALLY fucking well from all the stress for the BIG cooking exam. then one minute after the exam, MY WHOLE body was in PAIN, tired, and run down...from the relief of the stress, now lets just say that I am suffering from POST traumatic stress disorder! Well NOW I have been 'recovering' from the exams, but WHAT do you know??? I slept a lot over the weeked from the stress...and NOW it's sunday so I REALLY miss school!?!?!? strange...NOW can't WAIT for next semester...BECAUSE IT IS frigging SUNDAY and I AM STRESSED from the fact that I have one week off from stress...AH the stress from NO STRESS!!! WTF!
NO NO...I am doing WELL...It JUST SOUNDS crazy when I describe all this shit in ENGLISH...I SWEAR it...it is WONDERFUL here...except sundays...and fear of failure (no room for failure here)...I feel better now, WHEW...sunday is FINALLY over, good NIGHT!!! PLEASE email me or comment...need checks and BALANCES...PLEEEEZ
It seems that I am doing a good job overall, but somehow it is hard to keep things in perspective and keep my smile on my face sometimes. Self reflection is fantastic, but sometimes it is easy to let it spin out of control...especially on SUNDAYS....paris can be a very lonely place sometimes, half of the time you enjoy the alone time, the other half of the time is terrifying. For the last three months, the challanges of adjusting has kept my mind occuppied, and WOW there is still a lot ot LEARN...but it's okay, I love to observe and learn...it's just hard sometimes when I have no 'guide-books' to follow...but I try to use the tools I have and try my best...sometimes it's not good enough, other times it's just simply difficult to grasp...I only have what I know to grapple through it somehow, and when it works out, it is the MOST wonderful feeling, BUT when it doesn't work out, it is so confusing...I FEEL like a fish gasping for 'air' because it is out of 'water' (ironic???)...c'est la vie'...
So... I finally finished my FIRST semester in culinary school. Hospitality is a serious 'calling' here in France. It was the most stressful 'situation' I personally have ever been in...and also most REWARDING also, only because I 'survived' and came out the other end. There are no second chances, no excuses. THERE is no options or special exceptions...the intensity was INCREDIBLE...and my school is the 'club med' of hospitality schools in Paris because it is a private school, so I feel REALLY thankful for that also...I am lucky enough to recieve a 'french' culinary education, with all the good parts...and less of the 'difficult' parts. I REALLY cannot imagine the pressure of a regular (not private) french hospitality institution, I hear it is worse than the army! I KNOW it must PALE in comparison!!! When I talk to some of my new french friends about their hospitality school experience, there is a shudder of dread as well as an intense wave of nostalgia, tous les deux...The hospitality/culinary industry of France is respected all over the world, and NOW it is my personal opinion that THEY deserve much more respect...REALLLLLLLY!!!!!!! The discipline and education I am receiving here is SO amazing!
Actually, it is ALSO SO stressful, it's like walking on a 'tightrope of stress'...if someone makes you 'crack' you are gonna lose it and if you are too stressed in your own mind, you can unravel that way too. If someone lets you complain too much, it makes you unravel and unfocused. If you just let the stress get to you it makes you equally crazy and nervous. There in lies the mental craziness of chefs...I think...I am just sharing what I can observe and analyze thus far...BUT I don't know anything!!!
FOR EXAMPLE...I have NEVER cut or burned myself for the WHOLE 10 weeks of the semester, during one of the last stressful days in the kitchen, one moment of fatigue...*SLICE* my VERY first CUT, didn't look too bad, but I have some fancy ass KNIVES... OF course it was JUST when I was just SO RELIEVED that the day was almost finally FUCKING done...THEN in my mind I started to FUCKING flip out slow slow slowly when I saw the BLOOD drip drip dripping...In my head my anxiety started: "WTF!!!!! WTF!!!!!...I have my FUCKING EXAM....HOW DA FUCK DID I CUT MY FUCKING FINGER...NOW?? WTF!!!".....then the anger and suppressed stress starts to RISE with fury, starting to UNRAVEL...and then it's like I HAVE TO keep suppressing, because YOU...CAN'T....LOSE....CONTROL....SO...CLOSE...TO....THE.....FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING COOKING EXAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OF course...when I was about to flip out and have a silent little panic attack (alone), a cuisine chef HAPPENS to walk by the first aid kit where I was spraying my antibiotic spray on my BLOODY finger...he pauses to 'observe' and asks "CA VA?" ("everything fine?"...it's always said in a half serious, half teasing manner), AND you always ALWAYS HAVE TO HAVE TO answer...."OUI, CHEF!"....ARGH...CRAZY....then I went home and couldn't sleep from the stress...THEN I woke up really early and did REALLY fucking well from all the stress for the BIG cooking exam. then one minute after the exam, MY WHOLE body was in PAIN, tired, and run down...from the relief of the stress, now lets just say that I am suffering from POST traumatic stress disorder! Well NOW I have been 'recovering' from the exams, but WHAT do you know??? I slept a lot over the weeked from the stress...and NOW it's sunday so I REALLY miss school!?!?!? strange...NOW can't WAIT for next semester...BECAUSE IT IS frigging SUNDAY and I AM STRESSED from the fact that I have one week off from stress...AH the stress from NO STRESS!!! WTF!
NO NO...I am doing WELL...It JUST SOUNDS crazy when I describe all this shit in ENGLISH...I SWEAR it...it is WONDERFUL here...except sundays...and fear of failure (no room for failure here)...I feel better now, WHEW...sunday is FINALLY over, good NIGHT!!! PLEASE email me or comment...need checks and BALANCES...PLEEEEZ
